I’ve genuinely neglected this blog. And truthfully, it’s been to my own detriment. There’s tremendous value in putting your thoughts in writing – it forces you to litigate with the substance of your opinions and the weight of saying them publicly. I think reading keeps us informed, but writing keeps us honest.
If I’m honest, I haven’t written because I haven’t completed a thought in a long time. I’ve been running a million miles an hour, trying to catch God knows what. But I’ve been running; I anticipate that won’t change anytime soon. But I do want to recommit myself to writing and recommit myself to this platform. I mean, first of all, it is my favorite iteration of my blog. Secondly, “The Queue” is so obviously clever, I’m embarrassed it took me so long to finally settle on it as a name. But most importantly, I actually have some shit to say.
It’s been an interesting decade for me. It truly feels like I’m in the midst of the changing of a chapter and that feels… uncertain. It also feels overdue. For me, matriculation and change – sometimes even for change’s sake – has always been a part of my life. I’ve never lived in any one home longer than maybe 3-4 years and as an adult, never longer than a year. I’ve had one hell of a start to my professional career, but I’d be lying if I cast myself as the prototype of consistency. I’ve been a small business owner, event planner, nonprofit fundraiser, a regional field director for a Senate campaign, an organizer, a campaign director, and a marketing director. I graduated law school 6 years ago, so you calculate the average.
All of that is to say I’m ready for a new chapter in my life. Maybe even a sustained period of consistency, which would certainly be a disruption to my regular order. Maybe not. But I know I’m making renewed commitments to long-term betterment. I’m trying to be more assertive about my professional priorities. I’m still an absolute clusterfuck of chaotic nonexistence when it comes to my love life, but whatever. And I’m becoming more of a public figure in my own community. So, add that up and it feels time for the manifestation of some of the seeds I’ve sown.
That being said, I’ve said that before. I’ve been here before. Part of my palpable anticipation for a new chapter is in large part due to the many false alarms that have arisen in the past. I’ve always felt anxious about advancing higher and getting closer to my goals – even if at times being too eager to seize opportunities that I was unprepared to handle for the sake of advancing. But this time feels different. I feel more prepared for whatever’s next than I ever have before. I feel more liberated than ever before. I still have my imperfections and personal demons like the next broken soul on a Wednesday, but I feel like an adult now. Maybe that doesn’t make sense.
I recently made an emotional investment in something. I debate whether to say I shouldn’t have or not, because I don’t know if I regret doing so because of the benefit of hindsight knowing the eventual outcome or if I truly made a mistake. But I made the investment. I invested heavily, early, which I can say with more certainty I regret. But when the investment, as these things are want to do, didn’t pan out, I responded differently than I remember I would have in years past. The pain was there, for sure. It was deserved. But I got back to work. Immediately. I moved on. Even as I write about it, I’ve eliminated any alternative outcome from my mind, so I simply accept that situation as inevitable and but simultaneously in the past. It’s an interesting emotional process, but it’s part of why I feel more ready for what’s next than I have before. I’m more focused, less distracted, less surprised, slightly more jaded than I’d like, but still completely convinced that I know what I’m supposed to do, why, and I want to do it more than I ever have before.
So, let’s get to it. Thanks for indulging my stream of consciousness.